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Wednesday, December 7, 2005


This was a post on utopia4real community by 'beingfree'.....
Thought it was lovely since it covers a lot of the subjects I have been thinking about!!!
There are a couple more statements on the same post...but I didn't think I would ripped them al off some if you are interested you will just have to find it for yourself...

"love is painful because is creates the way for bliss. love is painful because it transforms; it is a mutation. each transformation is going to be painful because the old has to be left for the new. the old is familiar, secure, safe, the new is absolutely unknown. you will be moving in an uncharted ocean. you cannot use your mind with the new; with the old, the mind is skillful. the mind can function only with the old; with the new, the mind is utterly useless.

hence, fear arises. and leaving the old, comfortable, safe world, the world of convenience, pain arises. it is the same pain that the child feels when he comes out of the womb of the mother. it is the same pain that the bird feels when he comes out of the egg. it is the same pain that the bird will feel when he will try for the first time to be on the wing. the fear of the unknown, and the security of the known, the insecurity of the unknown, the unpredictability of the unknown makes one very much frightened.
and because the transformation is going to be from the self toward a state of no-self, agony is very deep. but you cannot have ecstasy without going through agony. if the gold wants to be purified, it has to pass through fire.

love is fire.

it is because of the pain of love that millions of people live a loveless life. they, too, suffer, and their suffering is futile. to suffer in love is not to suffer in vain. to suffer in love is creative; it takes you to higher levels of consciousness. to suffer without love is utterly a waste; it leads you nowhere, it keeps you moving in the same vicious circle.

the man who is without love is narcissistic, he is closed. he knows only himself. and how much can he know himself if he has not known the other? because only the other can function as a mirror. you will never know yourself without knowing the other. love is very fundamental for self-knowledge too. the person who has not known the other in deep love, in intense passion, in utter ecstasy, will not be able to know who he is, because he will not have the mirror to see his own reflection.

relationship is a mirror, and the purer the love is, the higher the love is, the better the mirror, the cleaner the mirror. but the higher love needs you to be open. the higher love needs you to be vulnerable. you have to drop your armor; that is painful. you have not to be constantly on guard. you have to drop the calculating mind. you have to risk. you have to live dangerously. the other can hurt you; that is the fear in being vulnerable. the other can reject you; that is the fear of being in love.
the reflection that you will find in the other of your own self may be ugly--that is the anxiety; avoid the mirror! but by avoiding the mirror you are not going to become beautiful. by avoiding the situation you are not going to grow, either. the challenge has to be taken.

one has to go into love. that is the first step toward god, and it cannot be bypassed. those who try to bypass the step of love will never reach god. that is absolutely necessary, because you become aware of your totality only when you are provoked by the presence of the other, when you are brought out of your narcissistic, closed world under the open sky.

love is an open sky. to be in love is to be on the wing. but certainly, the unbounded sky creates fear.
and to drop the ego is very painful because we have been taught to cultivate the ego. we think the ego is our only treasure. we have been protecting it, we have been decorating it, we have been continuously polishing it. and when love knocks on the door, all that is needed to fall in love is to put aside the ego. certainly it is painful. it is your whole life's work, it is all that you have created--this ugly ego, this idea that "I am separate from existence."

this idea is ugly because it is untrue. this idea is illusory, but our society exists, is based on this idea that each person is a person, not a presence.

the truth is that there is no person at all in the world; there is only presence. you are not--not as an ego, separate from the whole. you are part of the whole. the whole penetrates you, the whole breathes in you, pulsates in you, the whole is your life.

love gives you the first experience of being in tune with something that is not your ego. love gives you the first lesson that you can fall into harmony with someone who has never been part of your ego. if you can be in harmony with a woman, if you can be in harmony with a friend, with a man, if you can be in harmony with your child or with your mother, why can't you be in harmony with all human beings? and if you can be in harmony with all human beings, why can't you be in harmony with animals and birds and trees? then one step leads to another.

love is a ladder. it starts with one person, it ends with the totality. love is the beginning, god is the end. to be afraid of love, to be afraid of the growing pains of love, is to remain enclosed in a dark cell. modern man is living in a dark cell. it is narcissistic--narcissism is the greatest obsession of the modern mind. and then there are problems, which are meaningless. there are problems that are creative because they lead you to higher awareness. there are problems that lead you nowhere; they simply keep you tethered, they simply keep you in your old mess. love creates problems. you can avoid those problems by avoiding love--but those are very essential problems! they have to be faced, encountered; they have to be lived and gone through and gone beyond. and to go beyond, the way is through. love is the only real thing worth doing. all else is secondary. if it helps love, it is good. all else is just a means, love is the end. so whatsoever the pain, go into love.

if you don't go into love, as many people have decided, then you are stuck with yourself. then your life is not a pilgrimage, then your life is not a river going to the ocean; your life is a stagnant pool, dirty, and soon there will be nothing but dirt and mud. to keep clean, one needs to keep flowing. a river remains clean because it goes on flowing. flow if the process of remaining continuously virgin.
a lover remains a virgin--all lovers are virgin. the people who don't love cannot remain virgin; they become dormant, stagnant; they start stinking sooner or later--and sooner rather than later--because they have nowhere to go. their life is dead.

that's where modern man finds himself, and because of this, all kinds of neuroses, all kinds of madnesses have become rampant. psychological illness has taken epidemic proportions. it is no longer that a few individuals are psychologically ill; the reality is the whole earth has become a madhouse. the whole of humanity is suffering from a kind of neurosis, and that neurosis is coming from your narcissistic stagnancy. everyone is stuck with their own illusion of having a separate self, then people go mad. and this madness is meaningless, unproductive, uncreative.

you may not commit suicide by taking poison or jumping from a cliff or by shooting yourself, but you can commit a suicide which is a very slow process, and that's what happens. very few people commit suicide suddenly. others have decided for a slow suicide; gradually, slowly, slowly they die. but the tendency to be suicidal has become almost universal.

this is no way to live. and the reason, the fundamental reason, is that we have forgotten the language of love. we are no longer courageous enough to go into that adventure called love.

hence people are interested in sex, because sex is not risky. it is momentary, you don't get involved. love is involvement, it is commitment. it is not momentary. once it takes roots, it can be forever. it can be a lifelong involvement. love needs intimacy, and only when you are intimate does the other become a mirror. when you meet sexually with a woman or a man, you have not met at all; in fact, you avoided the soul of the other person. you just used the body and escaped, and the other used your body and escaped. you never become intimate enough to reveal each other's original faces.

love is the greatest zen koan.

it is painful, but don't avoid it. if you avoid it you have avoided the greatest opportunity to grow. go into it, suffer love, because through the suffering comes great ecstasy. yes, there is agony, but out of the agony, ecstasy is born. yes, you will have to die as an ego, but if you can die as an ego, you will be born as god, as a buddha.

and love will give you the first tongue-tip-taste of tao, of sufism, of zen. love will give you the first proof that life is not meaningless. the people who say life is meaningless are the people who have not known love. all that they are saying is that their life has missed love.

let there be pain, let there be suffering. go through the dark nigh, and you will reach such a beautiful sunrise. it is only in the womb of the dark night that the sun evolves. it is only through the dark night that the morning comes.

my whole approach is that of love. i teach love and only love and nothing else. you can forget about god; that is just an empty word. you can forget about prayers because they are only rituals imposed by others on you. love is the natural prayer, not imposed by anybody. you are born with it. love is the true god--not the god of theologians, but the god of buddha, jesus, mohammed, and the god of the sufis. love is a device, a method to kill you as a separate individual and to help you become the infinite. dissappear as a dewdrop and become the ocean--but you will have to pass through the door of love."


Current mood: touched

Tuesday, December 6, 2005

4:23PM - Get out of my way, Baby, Im a star!!!

OK, OK so now my bf and best freind both think that I am Narcissistic!!!!

Shit hey I only have one fucking mirror in my house and I cant even see all of myself in it!!! Im lucky tp spend five seconds a day in front of it!!! and that if I m lucky!!! Most of my freindships and relationships have been lasting, I am the kind of person who will befreind most people...not just the rich and famous...and I am the kind of person who get taken advantage of!!!! Excessive praise weirds me out!
So there is absolutrly no way that I am Narcissistic!!!

ps) Ive taken 15 photos of myself today,because I think that I am soooo beautiful, I was going to post them here so you could tell me as such, and give me all the praise and adoration I deserve, but since I am so fucking good I am not going to post them now, because I dont think anyone out there is worthy to see them at all! And I dont really care what you think anyway!
Also, I already have all the fame, beauty and power that I so much deserve, and I don't know why I 'm hanging around these sites since I am so much more supierior than any of you anyway!

Oh my God give me a break!

Sunday, December 4, 2005

6:55PM - Am I psycotic?

I recently participated in an online personality disorder tests....the results?
well its seems that I have tendancies to have moderate Histrionic, Narcissistic, and Schizotypal personality disorders as well as a high Avoidant...which some how to me seems to clash with the Schizotypal personality!
Anyway one of the questions was something like- Do you see things very black and white? So maybe the survey is psycotic also as the olny answers were a chioce of 'Yes' or 'No' which to me is 'Black and white' I mean I'm not always being an exhibitionist...or feeling six senses...and just coz I'm finding I like the friends I have on the net better than the ones I have in real life...doesn't mean Im Aviodant? Why are the not some 'grey' area's in the answering of the questions?
I realize I may be facing some denial here, but then again I always said I was crazy!


ok I'm back, well the last few days events have been very exciting....achieving what I desired from my cybersex posts...and one of my very adored LJ friends was able to come up with some very potent creativity...*thanks baby;)* the whole event turned out to be exactly what it was I was desiring for it to be....
My new user pic is one from that particular event with out toooo much exposure but certainly depicting actually how delicious the evening was for me.....
To get the full exposure you are going to have to wait until the "Real Life Fantasies"- 'Enter a realm where your fantasies become realities...' series of books are up and running on the web...hopefully wont be tooooo long for you...they will provide for you a word and photo narrated story that was achieved by the 'chance meeting of three delicious people!'

Current mood: accomplished

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

12:25PM - Look into my eyes- tell me what you see......

Looking directly into your lovers eyes can enhance
sexual union... connection...orgasm...

Looking into your friends eyes can enhance connection....understanding...communication...

Sometimes.... with direct eye contact with someone I feel connected to, I needn't speak...so much can be communicated...through that very intimate connection...

Current mood: touched

2:23AM - Fantasy in the box

I agree with riddimrider's comment there is no way to avoid such thoughts, but I think they wouldn't occur in a satisfying partnership. If the truth is to be shared the partners need to find satisfaction in they're relationship or move on.

I think that it is possible that it may be unhealthy to let the fantasies out of the box, also. Depending on the fantasy, realizing it could be damaging or rewarding to the person with the fantasy (not to mention any partners)... It is one of the fine lines that is constantly changing and being redrawn in psybersex. And it is a line that is to be found in each of us, in a different location, always merging and being redrawn as we meet new people and form deeper relationships and partnerships.

1:05AM - Is masturbation cheating?

This is a recent chat with my girlfriend (left-aligned) and me (right-aligned). It's about masturbating over someone other than your partner... and is that considered cheating?

What if i were to say

"i jerked off the other...

and i was thinking about Alicia's deliciouse ass"?

10:20 PM

i would be very sad...do you have some guilt surrounding this?

none what so ever

10:25 PM

how do feel now...



the post is suggesting that there are many different types of relationships: those that disintergrate over such an issue; those that don't; those that been though such issues; etc

the truth that the number of different relationships is exponential to the number of different people...

...that's a lot...

we seem to disintegrate at hypothetical situations that raise this issue

that is a concern for me ...

masterbating to a coworker disgusts me

10:35 PM

quite frankly I don't enjoy masterbating... or at least i haven't in the past

yes i feel the same

because it it is a lonely activity

does it bother you that i touch myself when we have sex?

that is not lonely

not at all... Im with you...

cyber interests me for this reason: that it's materbation in company, stimulated by that company...

I have no desire to do with others

you satisfy me

you see

we are partnered

and as long that connection is strong


... in my mind...

i have no desire to seek it elsewhere

i have no need...

my body has no need

my mind has no need

and they both reenforce each other

well *ljuser* noticed that I was the kind of person who want to talk about sex rather than cyber, he expressed taht before...

and thinks it a good idea taht i started taht community

10:45 PM

it's cool babe

do you think i'm going to have cyber and materbate

11:00 PM


i should hope not....

11:05 PM

... i don't that of you, my love


good I only want to share these sexual experiences with you...also...thats why i posted the way I did

but I guess sharing my photo.....does that bother you?

doe's that have a connection to masturbation??? :-/

well not for me...

i think that that's what counts babe...

i trust that you do it in good faith

but i guess the voyers may do it... I hadnt thought of that...fully i spose

yeah, well, good faith is undermined by naivety ... at times

or at least it provides opportunities for evil-doers

but your appropriately careful (most of the time)

11:25 PM

yes babe I am...I think...

11:35 PM

I think mastubating over anyone other than your partener is cheating...

Monday, November 28, 2005

9:30PM - I Miss It

I haven't cyber'd in years. i miss it.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

12:04PM - psybersex link

sorry i didn't know how to do LINKS...so here's my first exp on HTML...assisted by my beautiful and sexy, software developing Boyfriend ( I develope his hardware... ;)


Monday, November 28, 2005


Please observe the Golden rule This is not for cybersex! Do not post your cybersex ads here, they will be deleted...this community is for serious people wanting to chat about cyber..there are plenty of other cyber communties if thats what you want to do...otherwise get chatting!